The masks we wear

The me most of you see most of the time!  Not ashamed.

The fist mask; actual foundation!  I almost never wear foundation!

The final layer; hair and accessories.  Time to be a go getter!

I've been thinking about masks.  About personas.  When I was teaching, my boss and I joked that we were "Queen of the first lesson".  What that meant, is when a person was coming for that 'trial', we knew it.  And unless some horrible unforseen circumstances came along to throw a wrench in the plans, we could charm in a new client probably ... 95% of the time.  Now, that's not to say we were conning people.  I was good at my job, no doubt.  But like every single working person in the entire world, some days I operate on less than 100%.  But if need be, I could put on my happy face and put everything else that was going on, away.

Looking for a job has been emotionally draining for me.  Stressful, of course.  But even to pick up a RETAIL position, which I'm sorry ... retail is a brainless job ... you have to take these "personality" tests.  And I just don't think I GET what they're after.  I am a quiet person, I like to be alone, and unless I'm selling a "first lesson", I feel like an awkward social giant.  But these personality tests make it so you can't be yourself; you have to sell this cut throat/go getter/I'm better than all my peers personality to be considered for RETAIL.  It's crazy!

I'm going to be honest ... Sunday, out of sheer desperation, I fasted for 32 hours.  It was hard, I was *this* close to passing out while washing my hair.  I prayed harder than I've prayed for some time.  And I began to read the Bible for the first time.  What is it about my inability to find a job?  Why can't I even get hired by a GROCERY STORE?  Are there really that many people in Natomas that are job hunting?  Are my skills as a talented riding instructor so inadequate for anything that I'm incapable of filing paperwork in alphabetical order?  I've put in so many resumes in so many different positions, I've lost count.  When you have to have the conversation about what to do in case nothing comes along ... it's defeating.

I took a few pictures this morning as I got ready for a job interview; no makeup, makeup, then hair and makeup.  For the people that know me in person, I'm a no makeup kind of girl 90% of the time, and that's who I am.  I'm ok with that!  I don't hide who I am, I'm real.  But as I put on the foundation this morning, it's like I was putting on another personality, one who doesn't take no for an answer.  One that's a go getter, LOVES to chat people up, and never worries whether her breath smells.  And after I fixed my hair, I thought about how to really sell myself, and what I needed to do to make it happen.  Because that's what I'm here to do; MAKE IT HAPPEN.  What is IT?  For me, IT is the ability to live where I want, vacation where I want, and have the things I want.  Last year, it was about achieving the body I want.  This year, it's about achieving the LIFE I want.

Make no mistake, I WILL make it happen.  I have renewed my faith in God, and things are finally beginning to move for me.  Tomorrow, I have THREE job interviews.  Wow.  It is super hard for me to go through my closet and find nice looking big girl clothes to wear, lol!  I've had 20 years to build my "barn" wardrobe, I don't have much of a selection of "business casual", but I'll throw something together.  I will find a job where I don't have to have my mask on; I have a feeling the right one is waiting on me at 2:00 tomorrow afternoon, all I have to do is sell that "first lesson", and then I can fall into the place where I'm meant to be.  I'm not ashamed to go out totally bare faced, not a drop of makeup on; that person is good enough to be employed.  I WILL persevere:)