Nearing that magical 6 week mark ...

 
As I fully expected, time is just flying by.  Peanut will be 6 weeks on Friday; I go back to work on May 24th, just 2 short weeks away :(  I'm SO thankful "Paw Paw" is here to watch him, and dreading July when we must find alternative 'actual' childcare for the boy.  Kody never had to go into actual day care, and I REALLY wish like HELL Colton didn't have to, but our circumstances are different this time around.

I have a bit of a 'confession' to make.  I feel like my blog is a place where the people that "care" about me and my life go to.  Facebook is just somewhere to browse and post fun pics and updates.  After the "drama" of a few years ago, I prefer not to live my life on social media any more.  I have over 400 facebook "friends", and my blog gets an average of 50 views, so I figure about 50 of my friends actually care about what's going on with me and my family.

Colton was born with a birth defect.  There, I said it.  It has taken me months to come to grips with the fact that I (and he) are NOT "defective", despite the 'defect'.  We found out at his 20 week ultrasound, and did not tell a single soul.  We desperately hoped and prayed that it was wrong, and all was perfect with our baby but God heard our prayers and said "No".  Don't get me wrong, Colton IS perfect, but his little feet are crooked.  He was born with bilateral club feet, which means both his little feet curled in at the ankles.  I allowed myself to get encouraged when both a nurse at the hospital, and his pediatrician were unsure if he was "actually" a club foot case, as the feet could be straightened out manually to a normal position.  I had high hopes as we went in for our consultation at Shriner's Children's hospital, and felt absolutely gutted when our little 1 week old baby left with hip length plaster casts on both legs.

At birth

2 casts later

I have see sawed between being absolutely heartbroken for this little guy that will be dealing with casts and a brace until he's 4 or 5 years old with a chance of relapse throughout his entire life and gratefulness that it's not "worse".  Of all the possible "things" that could go wrong in utero, the fact that it's "just" club feet and not some horrible, "life sentence" thing.  But I mourn the loss of a "regular" baby hood for him.  I mourn the fact that he is going to have to wear boots and a snowboard type brace at night for 5 YEARS.  I moun the 23/7 wear for 3 months he's going to have to endure.  I'm sad that so far I feel more sadness and frustration for his infanthood than elation due to the level of fussiness he has.  He is NOT a happy baby.  If he's awake, he's crying.  Whether this is due to colic, pain, discomfort, or reflux, who knows.  We went to the Pediatrician today and she doesn't think it's reflux bad enough for meds, wants us to wait it out for 2 more weeks.  I am miserable.  I'm stressed, he cries ALL the time, and I just feel utterly lost without anyone to relate and go through this with me.  Of course, I have David, but David and I are the same person if that makes sense.  He's living this with me, so for us to endlessly talk about it doesn't help or solve anything.  He's just as stressed about it as I am.  I know that all things will pass eventually, but the future looms large and ... I don't know.

Brand new casts

So, that's our life right now.  Miserable baby, sad mommy, hopeful and grateful mommy, and frustrated mommy.  I don't even have 20 minutes to put him down so I CAN update this blog.  I just tried and couldn't even finish because he started to cry.  I couldn't even console him, it took David to do it.  So yeah, not enjoying infanthood at all and it makes me incredibly sad.  I've always said "I'm not sure I even want another one because the first one was so good!  What if the second one sucks??"  Well, the second has a problem and quite frankly, it's sucking, so seriously questioning overcoming my instinct to do this a second time:(

Final ones!

On the bright side, CF can take up to 10 weekly casts to correct in the first place, followed by surgery on the achilles tendons.  Colton has had 3 weekly casts, he had the tendon surgery done, and now he's in fiberglass casts for the next 3 weeks, and then God willing, he's done with the casting phase.  So yay for the minimum time in casts, boo for surgery :(  Y'all will see none of this on facebook, any updates will be kept strictly to the blog.  I can't even talk about my feelings without crying because it just sucks right now.  But things will eventually get better, I HAVE to believe that.

Yay, let's be all done!