I am human. I have many issues that I struggle with, as do we all. I think most often the most difficult person to be honest with is ourselves. Humans have an amazing ability to twist things up in our minds to make it NOT our fault, in any situation. As a teenager, I had that problem. As a more mature adult, I STILL have that problem ... the difference is I now have the ability to analyze, mull it over, and then realize when I am in the wrong more often than not.
Friendships are hard. My husband has had some struggles recently with losing a couple of friends. What it came down down is the perception of one person giving, the other being selfish, and a complete lack of TRY to fix a problem. I know what one of my biggest issues is, and it's a constant work in progress ... a lack of communication. I have always been content to be alone, so be with my own thoughts and feelings, and I reason things out in my head. Speaking things out loud is hard for me sometimes, and I'm not good about being that friend that initiates phone calls or get togethers. I DO like to think I'm there for my friends, though. Someone to listen, offer up any advice, and give of my time whenever I CAN.
I just lost someone close to me, a 4 year friendship. I have gone over and over again in my mind, losing sleep in the process, and I can NOT find any fault with myself. We have had our minor spats over the years because in some ways we're so alike we clash, but it's always worked itself out. I even called my pastor, sobbing yesterday to ask WHAT is it I'm not seeing? HOW was I wrong? Am I a bad person? Do I have rotten Moral Fiber? Am I being blind to the situation? He said absolutely NOT, that if I was being 100% honest with him, I did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever. Now, pastors are people too, but I'm inclined to believe him vs. random strangers on the internet.
Which leads me to a general overview of what went down. Obviously, I maintain an online presence. I enjoy keeping blogs, I enjoy discussing topics of conversation with people across the country, or even across the globe. I try not to ever be incendiary, or make myself look stupid ... think before you press "enter" and all that. I have written QUITE a few blog posts and facebook statuses that I deleted after getting it all out there and re-reading. One of my favorite sites in a big online horse related bulletin board where horse people post topics of conversation. I have seen many a crap storm erupt on the board about things that I thought were silly, but usually end up resolved in some way. I have personally never been involved in such crap storms in any other way than "observer". I tend to stay out of pile ups unless I'm jumping into the fray to speak up in defense of a poster, which I have done before. I've done it for someone I didn't know at all, and I've done it for my boss, of all people. The pile ups can be scary ... it's classic "pack" mentality, where one person makes a negative comment and ALL the "negative nellies" chime in with their words like hot pokers. It sometimes becomes LITERALLY "kicking the dead horse".
At the moment, I'm leaving you all with this piece of the story to ponder and mull over. I have to go to work right now, but I will finish this later. I welcome any honest, thought out comments on what I have posted so far. I like non heated discussion, it can be a productive thing. Devil's advocate, and all that.
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