2017 Edition

I remember the exact weekend I allowed the first few pounds to creep back on.  It was February of 2013 ... the weekend I first told someone outside of my family of our impending move to CA.  That was the beginning of the end of my weight loss journey, and the beginning of packing it all back on.   This year is going to be a little different this time.  THIS year, I AM making "resolutions".  THIS year, I am holding myself accountable.

Beginning tomorrow, it's back to July of 2012.  Back to that random day when I decided it was time to stop being fat.  ALL that needs to be done is exercise/move EVERY day, and watch my calories.  I don't want to "do" low carb, or paleo, or Atkins, or, or, or.  I JUST want to make good choices and keep myself below a certain threshold.  At the end of the day, that's all there is to it!

I understand how purging sugar out of your life can make things SO much easier, but when you cut something out 100%, you (I) feel deprived.  Sugar in SMALL doses will still be allowed, calories permitting, but never as a "reward".  I want to reward myself with things OTHER than food; I went ahead and "pre-rewarded" myself for losing 20 pounds.  I haven't done that yet; in fact, I'm pretty sure I've gained weight since the pics I took of me in my blue shirt.  But I thought maybe if I just go ahead and do something nice for myself, I can manage to meet my goal.

On Friday the 23rd, I got my foot surgery (FINALLY).  Also on Friday the 23rd, I got my nose pierced.  I've been wanting to do it for awhile now, and I kept telling myself it would be my reward for losing 20 pounds, but sometime around Thanksgiving, I decided to throw in the towel all together and just binge until Dec 31st.  Well, that is EXACTLY what I have done.  Zero exercise, lots of (Panera Bread's FREE ones) bagels, lots of chocolate, full sugar sodas here and there, sweet tea at dinner, and fried chicken rather than grilled on my Zaxby's salads.  Frowny face.  Tomorrow begins a new day, and even a new year.

2017 is going to be my BEST year yet.  I'm HOPING to reconnect with some old friends, make some new ones, and steadily drop the pounds back off.  I have some AMAZING unspoken goals I am claiming for the new year, and I resolve to look on life with an uplifting and positive attitude.  I strive to improve and move up at work, I strive to raise another son to be as awesome and amazing as the first one, and I strive to be a loving and supportive wife to my husband.



2016 can bite the dust, 2017 is here to be THE year!!

SO much to say, so little time

The whole crew

There's so much I want to say on this blog post.  It's a little harder to have the time to take out ye old computer to update, so when I have a minute to do it I feel like a novel is in my head, lol!

SO blessed!

It is with mixed emotions that we pack up the last of our apartment this weekend.  I only have 1 more day of work, and they were so sweet and threw me a surprise going away pot luck.  Everyone signed a card and it just made me want to cry.  It has been a rough road at times, and I ALMOST walked away early on, but I stuck it out and have carved out my own space in the office.

We forced him to go down in a giant lava tube!

I am so excited to say that David and I both will be starting new jobs as soon as we arrive in TN.  We get there on Tuesday the 12th, and we start work Monday the 18th.  David with his same company, I with a new doctor.  We really hit it off during my phone interview, and I'm super excited to begin a new job, hopefully one that lasts a L O N G time :D

Such a blessing to FINALLY have happy baby

Baby is doing AWESOME!  Most nights, he sleeps from 9:30-10:30, just depending on when we get him wound down, to anywhere from 6:30 to 8 the next morning.  WIN!  He will STILL only nap during the day when he's physically ON someone, but at least he's sleeping all night.  He was 13 weeks/3 months exactly yesterday on the 1st.

We didn't tell him our day would involve cardio ...

I want to dedicate the bulk of this post as a shout out to the amazing man that some of you may have heard me talk about.  Words can't express how blessed and humbled I am to have Paw paw here with us.  I felt unbelievably overwhelmed when I started to look for CA daycare for Mav; my sweet 7 week old baby going to daycare??  And the going rate here in our area is $100 per day for infants.  Yes, you read that right.  $1200 for a month of 3 day per week child care.  That amount was putting a serious crimp on our moving savings, especially considering we're having to pay rent on TWO houses for TWO months.  Then, my MIL asked if we would consider having my FIL come out to watch the baby for us.  According to her, before I even went on Maternity leave, he mentioned he wanted to come out here and live with us until our moving date so he could stay with his grand son.  I said OF COURSE!

So many roads traveled, so many more to go!

Paw paw arrived late April, and when I went back to work that last week in May, he was prepared.  Mav was SO fussy and frustrating those first few months, but Paw paw took it all in stride and NEVER tried to pawn him off on anyone.  He's used to having the freedom to be outside, working in his shed or the freedom to hop on his motorcycle and ride down the road on a whim to NOW sitting inside our tiny disaster of an apartment holding a baby for what feels like 23 out of 24 hours of the day.  I just thank God for this amazing man that is in our lives helping us out, and for raising his son to be such a fantastic father and husband.  THANK YOU David Bishop, Sr for blessing us beyond measure, we all love you so much.  Kody is loving having you around, and I'm just tickled to be surrounded by 3 generations of amazing men.  We've loved having you here, and Mav is so lucky to get to spend time with you.

Amazing Grand Father

Little man has an appointment in Kentucky at the Shriner's in Lexington.  Looks like that's where we'll be going for all his follow up appointments.  I won't have a day off during the week anymore, so David will be taking him.  I'm nervous about it, but I've read that the doctor there is as good as the one here in Sac, so that's good.  Apparently there are quite a few orthos out there that "treat" clubfoot but don't actually know what they're doing, causing people to have to travel to either Missouri or Iowa to visit 1 of the 2 world renown clubfoot experts to fix what the other doctors messed up.  We've been incredibly fortunate to be just 20 minutes up the road from the Sac Shriner's, and now to be within 3 hours of the KY one for what will only HOPEFULLY be twice yearly visits.  We just pray for no relapses which would mean weekly casting appointments again. The bnb phase is the "maintain the correction" phase, which goes for 4-5 years. Just pray for us every now and then, we'd appreciate it.

Just for fun, a little Kody baby pic

It is with mixed emotions that we prepare to leave out in less than a week, but I'm just looking at the positive moving forward of our lives.  Excited to see some of our friends and family again, and excited to see what the future holds.  Love and God Bless you all!!!

Always looking forward, but definitely will miss this

1/2 way through my maternity leave

I KNEW the time would fly by, and boy has it.  Can't believe Peanut will be a month old on Friday.  Still trying to find our rhythm, infants aren't the most consistent of creatures.  We're going through something that I will blog about at a later date once it's more resolved, and I think that is contributing to errant fussiness and a LACK of sleep anywhere not on a human body.  Obviously, 4 weeks old is too young to "sleep train", but we have to start trying to get him to understand crib=sleep, NOT crib=cry.  On average, I get literally 2-2 1/2 hours at night of him in his crib, the rest of the time is ON my chest, not just in our bed.

Today so far has been a win; had some fussiness this morning that took awhile to snap him out of, but after a nice nap, he took a full 4 oz bottle, then I tossed him in his stroller for a walk around the duck pond.  This was the 3rd time we've ventured out, and I decided to push things and go twice around.  I'm definitely not recovered enough yet to do any type of jogging/heavy impact exercise at ALL (even yoga is pushing it), but it feels SO GOOD to get out and go for a walk.  I took the dogs for a walk around the duck pond around week 32, and it was torture.  Now, all my pregnancy pain is gone, and it just feels amazing to get out in the warm sun/cool air and get moving a bit.  We did have to stop about 1/2 way around the 2nd time to get out of the stroller and bounce the crying out, but I loaded him back in and he was perfect until we arrived home.



Put him straight into his crib, as he actually was awake the entire walk, and he started to cry after 30 seconds on his back.  Flipped him to his stomach, and he's been "out" for about an hour now.  WIN!!!

My FIL arrives today to be Colton's "nanny".:)  We were stressing big time about throwing an 8 week old infant into day care, and my FIL offered to fly out from GA to stay w/ us until July so we can really take our time and figure out what childcare situation works best for us.  AND let Peanut get a little older before we leave him with someone else that's not family.  SO blessed and grateful.

My sister finally got to come out and visit us and it was FANTASTIC!  I've really missed her, and it was huge having someone w/ 2 young kids 'refresh' me on some of the, ahem, modern ways of caring for an infant.;)  It was so good to get to lay eyes on my family, I've really missed seeing them.  My good friend from GA that now lives in NY came out on Monday and got to spend time with us as well; it has been so NICE to connect with people and not feel so damn isolated.  Being a new mama is hard, I'm SO grateful for my fantastic hubby that has been my rock and an amazing dad.  Sad that I only have 4 weeks left before going back to work, but grateful for the time I've had at the same time.

It's now time to count ... DOWN. Third Trimester!

I was just looking at my calendar today and was shocked to see I'm at 29 weeks this week.  Whoa.  Colton will be here before we know it!  This has been a very blessed pregnancy; not all that different than my my pregnancy with Kody.  I had no problems growing the boy, it was BIRTHING the boy that was the problem!  Hopefully that problem is solved with my planned C.

I just wish I had someone I could really share this experience with.  I feel very isolated out here sometimes, but there's nothing I can do about it.  I miss all my GA horse peeps.  CA horse peeps are just different.

Baby boy's going to be stylin'!  We are finding so many cute baby things it's hard to just say "no" lol!

Kody's really looking forward to being a big brother and actually talked to me about being a positive role model in Colton's life.  Warmed my heart!  I'm so proud of my teenager, he's turning into an amazing young man.  I always knew he would be!

I am really proud of myself; I've done a GREAT job at making a meal plan each week and sticking with it.  I'm still doing what I highlighted in an earlier blog post; I have my list w/ all the different categories of food so I don't make chicken 7 days a week.  We're saving a ton of money by going grocery shopping ONCE a week and not eating out 5 days a week.  I just joined Costco last week and I'm going to see how that works out for us; I did it primarily because I've heard it's an amazing resource for formula.  I will try and breast feed again for a short amount of time, but like w/ Kody, I will switch to formula for ease and sleeping purposes.  

Alright.  Gonna give y'all the obligatory 3rd trimester baby bump pics!  I feel pretty lucky, I THINK I'm going to make it through this pregnancy w/out having to delve into maternity clothes.  I did buy a belly band thing that I can put around my normal jeans and I hope that works out well.  My work pants have an elastic waist so I think those will work too!  Took these over the weekend ...

I think that's about it!  Not much else to update.  11 weeks to go; 11 weeks until back on track w/ exercising and watching calories like a hawk.  11 weeks until 8 weeks of just being a mama.  11 weeks until the final birthing experience of my life.  11 weeks until we officially become a family of 4.  Wow, how time flies!

Just ... wow

I'm not even sure I know where to begin.  This crazy journey called Life is progressing on a track I'm not sure I ever saw coming.  For the most part, I have stopped living my life through facebook and other social media sites.  Losing 2 of my best friends over a stupid internet spat made me realize that REALITY is not always virtual.  So not only do I not post on the horse board that got me in trouble, I really don't even go there to "lurk" much any more.  The down side is that I've disconnected from the horse side of things ... for now.  The up side is that I've been focusing on other things.  Apart from posting "day trip" pics on Instagram and then sharing to facebook, I don't do much other than read what my "friends" have to say on a daily basis.

The bottom line is this; life is changing BIG time for us, again :)  And yes, it's a good change, it's an AMAZING change!  I didn't think for a second that life would go in this direction, but it is what it is.  For one thing, some months ago, my husband and I made a decision to stop birth control.  I just turned 36 in February, and here I was still taking BC pills every day.  I HATE the pill, I don't ever want to take it again, but ANY other method of BC other than "permanent" isn't an option for me.  So, the question was, have a permanent procedure, or stop the Pill and see what happens?  Well, we chose the latter and now I'm expecting!

I don't question God, EVER.  His plan is what it is, I just try to have the courage to follow along and be involved in it.  My due date is April 6.  Only 12 weeks along, so no idea if girl or boy.  We WILL find out, for sure.  Kody and David are both happy and excited; yes, there's a feeling of being ... overwhelmed.  That combined with the task of moving in July with a NEWBORN is a daunting feeling, but I know we'll come through it with flying colors :D

There will be no grand facebook announcements, no ultrasound pics posted, no pics/updates from the hospital.  Anything I have to say, I'll say right here on my very own blog that only the people that are interested in what I have to say will check out.  Yes, I'll post links, but again ... only those that actually care about me and my family will share in my happy news.

Horses will once again be taking a backseat in my life and I am ok with that.  No matter where I am, no matter what's happening in my life, horses will always be there for me to get back to when I'm ready.  Happily, I've been feeling great, no morning sickness thus far (knock on wood).  My OB says I SHOULD be past that stage, so we'll see.  It's going to be a challenge being out here with no family, but I'm VERY hopeful my sister is going to come out and be with me for a week or so.  The only bummer is I won't get to enjoy the hot tub this winter!  :(  Oh well, there are worse things in life, lol.

Stay tuned for updates.  I don't have another OB appt until November, which is when we SHOULD find out the sex.  So happy and excited for this turn in our life, and we're just trusting in God to lead us along the way.

Recharging!

3/4 of my loves!  Getting in a little exercise and Vitamin D!

I think we all need a little re-charge now and then.  That's what I feel like is going on with me right now.  I feel SO good being here in CA, but it's still LIFE.  It's still WORK.  It's not some big, giant vacation.  My life, OUR life, finally got on track after finding and getting involved with a church.  I definitely feel like in a big way I've been born again spiritually.  Last year, I was reborn in the body.  This year, I was reborn in the spirit.  Now?  I need to be reborn in both at the same time, lol!  I started over ... AGAIN ... this morning, Insanity.  It took me a few false starts the first time I did it too, to really get in the habit of doing it, so hopefully this time it sticks with me.  I went to the grocery store after work (when I was quite hungry, incidentally) and tried to buy some good, fresh, food.  Got some big, sweet apples, yogurt, Kashi granola bars, popcorn, and some veggies.  Had grilled shrimp and quinoa/brown rice mixture for dinner tonight.  Going to throw together a cold bean salad tonight for my protein source for lunch the rest of the week.  Last year, I ate cold cut ham held together with Laughing Cow soft cheese, but cold cuts aren't the healthiest of foods.  I'm not looking to go LOW CALORIE, I'm looking to go healthy.  Going to try and enjoy more veggies, less fruit ... a typical lunch last year would be a banana, a container of melons, another container of grapes, the cold cut/laughing cow cheese combo, and a serving size of tortilla chips.  Good food, but probably too much sugar.  I want to try and cut out wheat as much as possible from my life, because I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty addicted to it.

Honestly, it is nice to read that many of my peers have also "fallen off the wagon" a little bit.  Comfort in numbers, I suppose.  I allowed myself to pig out at TG, now I've recharged my will, recharged my zeal for health, and recharged my desire to challenge myself to rise above junk food.  Got to recharge my soul a little bit when I got to see my Honorary Little Sis Nicole!  She is a wonderful friend, a wonderful person, and I've missed seeing her!  Seeing as how we're not quite on our feet enough yet to buy plane tickets back to the good 'ol east coast, I jumped at the opportunity to make a little 2 1/2 hour drive southwest to the little bay town of San Jose to go see my soul sister.  He husband was born and raised in Cali, so it was natural they'd have to come out this way SOME time, and it's quite fortunate they're in the bay area, and not way down by LA :)  It was so nice to have some good conversation with someone I know ; though I'm branching out and making an actual effort to get to know people here, I've always been a loner.  Even loners get lonely sometimes, though!  It's nice not to have to work so hard at the conversation :)

I've also recharged a bit in my equine life.  I've had a nice 5 month break, now I'm beginning to miss it (as I knew I would), and fortunately, I've found some opportunity to ride!  I rode for the first time this past week, and while my seat bones are super sore, my soul is super satisfied ;)  Though my wallet will feel the pain, it was great to have a week off at Thanksgiving, and though my wallet will feel the pain AGAIN, I'll have a week off at Christmas too.  I have faith that God will see us through it, and just try to relax and enjoy!  Extra riding time, woo hoo!  It also makes me happy that my husband is so happy.  He's a quiet guy, and I knew when he talked about how much of a rut he was in, he was unhappy.  Vacations are the BEST!  Ever since moving out here, it's like this huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, certainly thankful for that too.

Love y'all, thanks for reading my blog.  I try to be uplifting, informative without TMI, and motivational even when I'm failing to a degree.  I'm definitely not anywhere close to being perfect, but I enjoy inspiring people :)  Keep on keepin' on, and enjoy this holiday season!  Remember to be thankful for everything you have, and don't worry about anything you don't have.

Loving it

Want to go back here!  Sutro Baths, just outside San Fran

Just a few random thoughts for ye old blog before bed tonight.  Firstly, I am SO grateful and happy to be here.  I am enjoying this place, spending time with my boys, and focusing on "real" life SO much.  Not gonna lie; it has been HARD.  It took us so long to find jobs that we're still fighting money issues right now, but we're s   l   o   w   l   y   getting on track.  I'm trying to reach out and make some friends.  I almost made it to the ladies night church activity, but I allowed the long work day to be my excuse not to go.  I'm thinking about making the effort to get out and be social, hard as that is for me.

It's actually been a welcome break and a nice relief to step away from the horse world for a few months.  I honestly haven't thought much about them in the time we've been here.  I definitely don't miss the hustle and bustle of the WORK part of it, but I am starting to miss just the simplicity of BEING with horses and smelling/touching them.  I reached out to a local big name event trainer tonight to see if she minded if I stopped in to watch a lesson or 2.  I would like to slowly ease my way back into it, just watch some lessons, maybe find an event to volunteer at.  Then, maybe find a ride.  I'm not pushing anything, like I said, the break has been good for me.  When you own a horse, ALL your thoughts are obsessed on shows, money for lessons and clinics, new tack, shoes, vet bills, etc.  It's nice to not have to worry about that farrier bill or vet bill ... it's stressful!  And plus, I worked SO hard just to be able to (barely) afford my horse, it's so weird to work a 4 day week behind a desk; I feel like a slacker!

Great message on disciplining your kids at church today.  Makes me realize I can indeed take SOME credit for how awesome my child is, because even though his personality is amazing, my husband and I have NEVER allowed him to get away with anything.  From a young age, we had expectations of our son.  He has to clean his room, be respectful, sit still, and generally not be a heathen.  He is currently one of the most amazing, respectful, kind hearted, and awesome 11 year olds I know.  I'm glad we had the sense to set boundaries and have expectations back when he was 2, so now as he begins to transition to teenager, I'm confident he will not resort to sullen teenage boy antics.

Once again, I am having issues with a REALLY (bad) sore ab muscle.  I felt it in my obliques about a month ago; my side hurt so bad I literally would have gone to the emergency room if we'd had the money.  After about 3 days of pretty bad pain, I came to the conclusion that it was muscle strain, and I just took things REALLY easy.  This time, it's front and center, the top abs.  They HURT, and not in a good way.  DANG!  That's definitely the biggest disadvantage to moving from a very physical job to a desk job, and exercising every day.  I need to be more careful and do a longer warmup than I have been.  Strained muscles hurt! And they're counter productive; I don't feel like I can do my T-25 at all this week; I need to take the week off so I don't REALLY hurt myself :(  I'm actually thinking about breaking out the Insanity workout of "core cardio and balance", which is a normal length 43 minute Insanity workout, but one that's lower impact than even the typical T25 workout.  I think I will just do the T25 "stretch" video tomorrow, then try CC and B on Tuesday and see how I feel.  I've got skinny jeans to fit into!:)

Epic Awesomeness

I want to talk about this whole moving thing for a moment.  I'm not going to lie.  Since around ... Halloween of last year maybe, I've been in a weird place emotionally.  I don't know why.  Hormones?  Dissatisfaction with my life?  Depression?  I don't know.  I have NEVER been unhappy in my marriage.  Unhappy with finances, yes.  It's hard to make a living as an independent contractor when you don't work 24/7 at your business.  I have no desire to live, eat, breath, and make my job my entire life.  When I come home to my family ... I want to come home to my family!  So in the last few years, business has really dropped off and it's been impossible to pay my bills on time.  I HATE that.  It's stressful, and has probably built up and built up to the point that I snapped, I guess you could say.  My weird emotional place was not helped by a huge blow out with someone that was one of my best friends, and I just started to feel sorry for myself, feeling in general unloved, unappreciated, and just burnt out.  Even with my own PARENTS ... we had a huge fight at Thanksgiving, what the HECK was going on?

The hubs and I went on our west coast trip last Spring Break, and it was the Best Time Ever.  We enjoyed it more than anything we've done!  It was so wonderful.  Around January, after all the fights with friends and family ... and the struggling to make ends meet ... we began to talk about actually moving to the West Coast. I've tried multiple times over the past few years to pick up a part time job in addition to my teaching to try and supplement our income, but it was impossible with my schedule.  And just to QUIT, to walk away from Joyce, and my teaching job I've had for 10 years with all my amazing clients ... seemed wrong.  And in a weird way, I began to feel "trapped" in my life.  On one hand, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my life.  Great hours, great kids, doing what I love.  But on the other hand, there was stress and uncertainty not only with money concerns, but with keeping my job in general!  People have NO idea the roller coaster I've ridden over the time I've done what I do, and I'm just ready to get off, really.  So, I am!  Go big or go home, that's always been my motto.  If I'm going to take the step to walk away from a life I've built for myself, a business that even though was dwindling, was filled with LOYAL and long time clients, and my first home that I've even owned ... I am going to do it in a BIG way.  My husband and I are so excited to turn this page, and to basically start over in a completely new place, on the other side of the country.  Is it crazy?  YES!  But everything is falling into place.  God works in such mysterious ways, and he put this seed in our minds to plant, and water, and now to watch it grow.  I need to be a CA resident for a year before I'm considered a resident, so I plan to enroll in UC Davis next year and go to nursing school.  I'm planning to work as a pharmacy tech starting out, that's one of the jobs I've tried to get over the years, but it's never worked out.  I do NOT plan to teach right now.  MAYBE the opportunity will arise again to get back into it; but STRICTLY on a part time basis.  An extra money type of thing, if you will.  I refuse to count on contracting out in any way to pay my bills ever again.  "Real", steady, and non 1099 jobs pay the bills better.  They may pay a little bit less initially, but the steady never changing income and the tax refund makes it all worth it!

So, there it is.  The "WHY?".  Lots of people have asked, genuinely trying to understand.  It's so hard to explain, I hope I've done an ok job of it.  At the end of the day, this is absolutely a walk of faith.  I am trusting in God to guide this path we're taking, and I believe this will further strengthen my marriage and relieve some of the stress because I believe with ALL my heart and soul our job situation is going to be amazing.  What they will end up being in the long run, I don't know, but I believe our life is going to improve beyond even OUR wildest dreams!

Finding my "happy place"

I have a LOT to be thankful.  I'm down 45 (YAY!) pounds now, I have a wonderful and supportive husband, and I have the best 10 year old in the world!  After 29 years of horseless-ness, I finally have my own horse.  I have a roof over my head, gas in my vehicles, and a warm comfortable bed to sleep in at night.  I haven't done any "resolution" type posts because I just think that's a little silly.  I do vow to live my life differently this year, though.  It's been roughly 13 years of The Same Old, Same Old.  It's certainly not a marriage rut, it's a 'real life' rut I think.

I am REALLY evaluating my life and my goals.  I don't feel that I have any kind of a career; in fact, in almost 10 years I feel as though I've slid backwards and not moved forward AT ALL with my position.  That's a little bit depressing.  I lost a really good and long friendship; she said some things to me that have fundamentally wounded me to the very depths of my soul.  As for the rest of my friendships, I don't feel like I have any.  How is it I'm a month away from being 34 years old, and I don't have one single person in my life I can truly call an honest to goodness BEST FRIEND (outside of my husband)?  I have some friendships on the table, but not a single female I can call a best friend.  I always had one as a kid.  I'm still friends with her now, but we've grown apart as people tend to do.  I guess it's this paragraph that has had me feeling a little bit debbie downer.  But ... as of NOW, I release this shi+!  Because that's all it is; shi+.

I am going to learn how to PRAY, for REAL.  I am going to embrace my husband for what he is; my other half.  My confidant, my buddy, my cheerleader, and my BEST FRIEND.  We are going on an adventure this year ... an incredible, life changing, mind blowing adventure.  It is literally going to change the course of our lives; I can't WAIT!  It's time to become the person I've always meant to be; the person I know I'm capable of being.  I've started the process by ACTUALLY losing the weight I needed to instead of sitting around WISHING I could lose the weight.  This is literally the smallest I've been since I was 17.  Yay me!

Y'all just watch ... this is going to be a really exciting year:)

Enjoying my family

My favorite tattoo; I think I deserve a new one since I've done so good!!

I love my boys.  I am the luckiest girl in the world to have married my best friend, and birthed the most amazing, cool, smart, outgoing, and amazing (did I already say that?) kid.  My husband REALLY is my best friend.  He is definitely a "lifetime" keeper for sure!  I have a pretty cool boss too.  Her ending remarks for our conversation about the whole "pantsgate" fiasco was, "You know what the moral of this story is?  Never buy the cheap pants!"  Lol.  Lesson learned!

You know, I've been getting a lot of people ask me, "What diet plan are you using?"  Like I've said dozens of times, I'M NOT DIETING!  I quite literally have made a change to my lifestyle.  I eat what I want, when I want!  The biggest thing I've done is changed the WAY I eat.  Instead of plopping massive spoonfulls of food on my plate (HELLO macaroni and cheese!), I weigh out my portions.  Instead of white rice with my dinner, it's brown (or even better, quinoa).  Instead of mayonnaise and butter in my mashed potatoes, it's greek yogurt and milk.  Instead of 2000 calories of fast food Whopper/fries/coke, it's 600 calories of tacos and about 6 sips of coke.  Instead of a massive glass of sweet tea with my dinner, it's a massive glass of water.  Instead of 3 cupcakes and 4 pieces of snack size candy, it's 2 tbs. of m&m's.  See where this is going?  For my lunch, rather than a sandwich with mayonnaise and cheese/3 servings of salt and vinegar chips/a giant hunk of brownie/coke, I have a piece of (frozen) baked tilapia/one serving of instant mashed potatoes/some type of veggie, usually some type of peas since my boys don't eat peas at ALL/a teeny little 2 tbs measuring cup of m&m's/glass of water.  I'll also cook me some low glycemic index angel hair pasta (weighed out as one serving), toss it with 1 tbs of evoo/lemon juice/garlic salt/about 6 salad croutons, crushed.  This is my lunch pretty much every day, either the fish or the pasta.  I don't always do the potatoes with the fish, sometimes I will do peas and some other veggie.

I literally used to cook an ENTIRE box of Kraft mac and cheese ... and eat the whole thing for my lunch.  Those Totino party pizzas?  I'd eat the whole thing for lunch.  THAT'S why I was fat, not because I'm sedentary, but because my eating habits were out of control.  Fast food 4 nights a week ... I'd eat every single BITE of that burger, fries, and drain that 22+ oz sugary soft drink.  Since July, when I began this whole journey I have not eaten a fast food meal like I used to.  When I get my tacos, I do get a full sugar Mtn. Dew, but I sip on it 6 times and dump the rest out of the window.  I have not had McDonalds, Wendy's, Chik fil a, or Capt. D's ... do I miss them?  Sometimes.  My body's a traitor, and it craves that old junk food.  But I don't tempt myself, and just drive on by!

On teaching nights, my dinner consists of whatever I can find in the way of fruit/light yogurt/tortilla chips (weighed out as one serving)/kashi granola bar/kashi "chocolate square".  I will usually snack on the granola bar at some point, and eat the "chocolate square" as my dessert.  As for fruit, I try to keep grapes and bananas around the house; that's normally what I put in my dinner.

For breakfast, I have a bowl of plain Cheerios with a measured out one cup of milk.  I admit to cheating SLIGHTLY, and pour my Cheerios in the one cup measuring cup, but it's over the one cup mark by about 1/4".  I have that EVERY morning.  I no longer eat donuts/poptarts/anything else loaded down with sugar.

Well!  I just wanted to address the fact that I'M NOT DIETING lol.  I have literally changed my life to something that works for ME.  Am I a total and complete foodie that craves brussel sprouts and blueberries?  Um, NO!  But I've made changes that are GOOD for my body and that I can sustain for the rest of my life!  I'm STILL losing weight, and for this entire month I've barely done anything exercise related!

Went 5K distance today, ran for distance, not time.  Took me about 35 minutes, and that includes 5 minutes of warm up/cool down walk.  Monday begins round 2 of Insanity.  Oey!  Not really looking forward to it, but I will be interested to see what I look like at the end!  I'm already fitting in an 8 in jeans (some of them; my darn THIGHS are what hold me back there!)  Will I finish as a 6?  That wasn't even on my RADAR as far as goals go, but at this stage of the game, it seems very possible!

Part 3, the end.

Ok, so you're all up to date on WHAT I DID.  Previously mentioned big horse board.  There's a LOT of people that post on that board.  Many of them are without a filter; it's easy to be brave when you sit behind a computer monitor.  Never in a MILLION years did I think that my story would result in anyone thinking I was stupid, amoral, characterless, or that I needed shame brought upon me ... but that's exactly what happened.  The first post of a thread sets the tone, and the tone was one of disbelief that I had gotten the pants exchanged in a completely ... honest way.  Like I said, I'd posted the Cliff's Notes version of the story that didn't involve so many words as previously mentioned.  The general tone was, "Well, good for you but you probably weren't honest about how/where you got them, the fact that they were used, and you bamboozeled the company".  A few other people commented good for the company, but the overall tone was a negative one.

Enter ex friend.  This person didn't email me, didn't call me, didn't text me, didn't facebook me.  Wait.  She did facebook, it was "Wow.  Just, wow".  That was her status.  I saw THAT before I saw the thread.  9 posts in, she chimes in with "I wonder how much store credit she got.  If they gave her full price, she made out like a bandit".  That was it.  12 posts in, she posts again, saying how she's the original owner of the pants, and had she known she could just send them back, she would have vs. selling them (in a very sarcastic way).      15 posts in, she posts again and says how it seems sneaky, and AGAIN goes in a huge circle wondering how much store credit I got.  It's the 19th post in where she delivers the fatal blow, saying, and I quote, "Or, did she say they were a gift and they give her full retail price for both of them?

Again, like I said, just seems sneaky...I think I am still in shock..."

Ok.  Here's where MY problem comes in.  And where ex friend sees NOTHING wrong with what she did, that it's perfectly ok and normal for a friend to join in on a virtual dead horse beating, repeatedly.  Had she said NOTHING on the thread at all, I pretty much guarantee it would have died.  A few people going "Huh? Wow, company is awesome and you're weird for even THINKING to do that".  I would have calmly provided a few more details, and it would have died and gone away.  

I don't say the words "I love you" very often.  I MEAN it when I say them, and they're reserved for my immediate family and a FEW, VERY FEW close friends.  Ex friend was one I'd said those words to, meaning I thought of her as highly as I do my family.  I would expect a family member that I love NOT to berate me in public, I would expect them to speak privately with me if an issue arose.  I'm not saying close friends shouldn't argue; arguments happen.  Like I said, none of us are perfect.  I don't blame her for the negative response I got on my thread, I did that all on my own.  I blame her for casting doubt upon my character and for calling me sneaky.  All of these things were said on the thread before I even SAW it!  I had NO idea such a negative pile up was occuring, with HER instigating the "amoral character" theme than began to run rampant.

I went STRAIGHT to email, and blasted one off asking her where she got off publicly berating me on an online bulletin board? How did she think that was ok?  I was angry, I was emotional, I was confused.  It's ok for her to be upset with me even though I don't see how, but it's NOT ok for her to continue to pick and post and bump up the thread to the point that it had nearly 3000 views.  SHE was mad at me for "blaming her for the whole thing when it was my own stupid fault", and went back to the thread and posted an additional THIRTEEN TIMES on the thread, continuously bumping it back up, fanning the flames, adding fuel to the fire, playing the victim, bringing my BOSS into it, saying how much she respected my company and hoped that my actions didn't reflect negatively on my place on my place of employment.

THAT is what set me off, THAT is what caused me to unfriend her on facebook, THAT is what caused me to stick the knife in our friendship, it was DONE.  I place NO blame on her for the beginning of the negative tone of the thread, but I DO blame her for inciting people to the point that long time posters were recommending that my boss sever ties with me, and that my unethical behavior reflected poorly on my company.  I posted 5 times in defense of myself, and then I quit.  It was pointless.  People on online bulletin boards DON'T read for comprehension.  I made an error of judgement and went in and edited my 5 posts, deleting them.  I was shocked, felt attacked, and the tone was too defensive.  I was NOT posting on the thread, hoping it would DIE.  I contacted a moderator on the board when the thread was only 2 pages long with less than 100 views, asking them to lock it because I was worried my boss WOULD be brought into it. I changed the title of the thread, hoping it would be harder to find and just go away, but ex friend kept posting and posting and posting on it, pointing fingers at me and how I'd lost her respect and friendship.  At a loss, I posted up an apology, HOPING to end things.  THEN the moderator finally locked it, 5 pages and 3000 views later.  People on the thread were supporting her, telling her how lucky she was she'd found out what a bad friend I was and she agreed with them.

We exchanged a few nasty emails, and it is finished.  Done.  Now, here's where I'm tying all this bull pucky back to my original post.  I tend to immediately think I'm not the one to blame.  But, then I think it through, and very grudgingly admit that ok, maybe I WAS wrong at the end of the day.  Well, I've thought this through.  TRUST ME, I've thought about little else since it went down.  In the nasty emails, I didn't call my ex friend names.  I was passionate about the fact that I blamed her for the thread reaching the point it did, but that I didn't blame her for the initial negative tone.  I blamed her for publicly flogging me rather than quietly sitting by and letting a contentious thread die out with no repercussions.  She called me stupid and low class.  She said I was insane to accept no blame for this situation, and that one day I would come around and see her side (but of course it would be too late).  I don't see how I was wrong at all.  I honestly don't.  In my mind, if you perceive a loved one "doing you wrong", you tell them!  In PRIVATE.  You DON'T become a vulture and pick/pick/pick until the person has no choice but to explode back at you!  But guess what, my explosion was done in PRIVATE.

What is the point of this drama?  There is no point.  I'm sad that I've lost a friend, a loved one.  I keep my horse blog to look back and see how much he's grown in his education.  I'm keeping THIS blog to track my OWN life, my OWN growth.  She said she hopes I have a nice life, and that some day I will realize it's all my fault and she did nothing wrong.  In her words, friends don't always have your back.  I'm hoping that maybe some day she reads this, and has her OWN sense of self discovery, and that maybe she will come to realize that she was indeed in the wrong here.  OR, people that actually KNOW me and CARE about me will read this and gently point out to me WHERE I was wrong, and how I brought this on myself.  I've been feeling the loss keenly up until she called me stupid and low class, and now I'm good with my decision to cut her out of my life.  

A loved one wouldn't do that.  I didn't say anything of the sort to her, I told her that by continuously posting and reviving the thread that she was being a "mean girl".  She said I was stupid and low class and have a nice life.  Well, I will, thank you very much.  It's painful experiences like this one that stretch your faith and shape your personality.  I give thanks to God for the trials in my life, they help me to fully appreciate when things are going well.  ALL things happen for a reason, and this part of my life is over, time to see what else is around the corner.  

Continued ...

Alrighty.  I want to make sure my thoughts stay organized and not scattered.  Here's ... the REST of the story ...

So, this ex friend posts on facebook that she's selling 2 pairs of riding pants that are a brand name of a big horse retail company.  I'd been wanting to try them, so since I thought the size might be right, I purchased them from her for her full asking price.  Now here's the beginning of her issue with me; I should have consulted with her before doing anything with these pants.  Huh?  Why is it I'm supposed to consult her on ANYTHING having to do with these pants?  They don't belong to her anymore!  Do we all agree here?  Ok, good, moving on.

I eagerly try them on and they're WAY too tight in the leg.  Best as I can tell, they fit my butt and waist, but the leg, both calf and thigh are WAY too tight.  I stuff them in a drawer for now because I've been in the process of losing weight and hoped they would fit at a later date.  2 months go by, I pull them out again, and STILL ... the legs just DON'T fit.  The waist is actually LOOSE, but the leg seams were screaming so I toss them back in the drawer feeling befuddled.  At this stage of the game, I do some research on these pants, and my issue is a common one.  In fact, people were riding in the pants, not liking them, and the company was actually taking them back and exchanging them.  It's a great company, they actually care about their customers.

Now, here's where I'm lacking in my moral fiber, I'm someone who tries to "beat the system", and I'm basically the biggest loser on the planet.  I had the gall to CALL the company.  I TOLD them the pants were gently used, I bought them off a friend, I really LIKED the pants and would like to try the next size up.  I told them I completely understood if they couldn't take them back, but I figured the worse they would say is "no".  Well, they said sure, send them back.  I was honest, upfront, and 100% forthcoming about how it came to be that I was in possession of these pants.  I was polite, professional, and seriously doubted they could do anything.  Well, I was shocked and happy when they said sure, send them back.  So I did, they sent me the next size up, and those were just crazy big.  Ridiculous looking.  I called the company ONE more time, told them the dilemma, the sales person said no problem that particular brand of breeches was a bit of a "hard fit" and maybe I needed to try another brand?  So I said could I try this other brand x? And they said sure, then sent them right out.  End of the story is I have a pair of pants that fit perfectly, and I'm crazy happy with the customer service of a "big" company that actually cares about the little people.  I will definitely make future purchases from this company, some of them $$ (we are talking horses here!).

Where I made my mistake, was what I did next.  I was tired of reading all the negative nellie threads on previously mentioned big horse board, so I posted the Cliff's Notes version of how this big horse company took care of me, and how happy I was, and kudos to them, they have yet another customer for life.

So, judge for yourselves!!!  Am I lacking in moral fiber?  Am I an opportunist?  Am I a bad friend for not telling my ex friend what I intended to do with MY pants?  She feels as though I took advantage of her.  How?  HOW did I take advantage of her?  Where in this story does ANYONE see me taking advantage of her?  I don't see it, I really don't.  Supposedly, I blindsided her by A. calling the company in the first place, and B. proceeding to brag about it on horse board.

Story to be continued, I'm sure your ADD has kicked in by now.  This is a LONG story:(

General, assorted stuff

I am human.  I have many issues that I struggle with, as do we all.  I think most often the most difficult person to be honest with is ourselves.  Humans have an amazing ability to twist things up in our minds to make it NOT our fault, in any situation.  As a teenager, I had that problem.  As a more mature adult, I STILL have that problem ... the difference is I now have the ability to analyze, mull it over, and then realize when I am in the wrong more often than not.

Friendships are hard.  My husband has had some struggles recently with losing a couple of friends.  What it came down down is the perception of one person giving, the other being selfish, and a complete lack of TRY to fix a problem.  I know what one of my biggest issues is, and it's a constant work in progress ... a lack of communication.  I have always been content to be alone, so be with my own thoughts and feelings, and I reason things out in my head.  Speaking things out loud is hard for me sometimes, and I'm not good about being that friend that initiates phone calls or get togethers.  I DO like to think I'm there for my friends, though.  Someone to listen, offer up any advice, and give of my time whenever I CAN.

I just lost someone close to me, a 4 year friendship.  I have gone over and over again in my mind, losing sleep in the process, and I can NOT find any fault with myself.  We have had our minor spats over the years because in some ways we're so alike we clash, but it's always worked itself out.  I even called my pastor, sobbing yesterday to ask WHAT is it I'm not seeing?  HOW was I wrong?  Am I a bad person?  Do I have rotten Moral Fiber?  Am I being blind to the situation?  He said absolutely NOT, that if I was being 100% honest with him, I did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.  Now, pastors are people too, but I'm inclined to believe him vs. random strangers on the internet.

Which leads me to a general overview of what went down.  Obviously, I maintain an online presence.  I enjoy keeping blogs, I enjoy discussing topics of conversation with people across the country, or even across the globe.  I try not to ever be incendiary, or make myself look stupid ... think before you press "enter" and all that.  I have written QUITE a few blog posts and facebook statuses that I deleted after getting it all out there and re-reading.  One of my favorite sites in a big online horse related bulletin board where horse people post topics of conversation.  I have seen many a crap storm erupt on the board about things that I thought were silly, but usually end up resolved in some way.  I have personally never been involved in such crap storms in any other way than "observer".  I tend to stay out of pile ups unless I'm jumping into the fray to speak up in defense of a poster, which I have done before.  I've done it for someone I didn't know at all, and I've done it for my boss, of all people.  The pile ups can be scary ... it's classic "pack" mentality, where one person makes a negative comment and ALL the "negative nellies" chime in with their words like hot pokers.  It sometimes becomes LITERALLY "kicking the dead horse".

At the moment, I'm leaving you all with this piece of the story to ponder and mull over.  I have to go to work right now, but I will finish this later.  I welcome any honest, thought out comments on what I have posted so far.  I like non heated discussion, it can be a productive thing.  Devil's advocate, and all that.