Part 3, the end.

Ok, so you're all up to date on WHAT I DID.  Previously mentioned big horse board.  There's a LOT of people that post on that board.  Many of them are without a filter; it's easy to be brave when you sit behind a computer monitor.  Never in a MILLION years did I think that my story would result in anyone thinking I was stupid, amoral, characterless, or that I needed shame brought upon me ... but that's exactly what happened.  The first post of a thread sets the tone, and the tone was one of disbelief that I had gotten the pants exchanged in a completely ... honest way.  Like I said, I'd posted the Cliff's Notes version of the story that didn't involve so many words as previously mentioned.  The general tone was, "Well, good for you but you probably weren't honest about how/where you got them, the fact that they were used, and you bamboozeled the company".  A few other people commented good for the company, but the overall tone was a negative one.

Enter ex friend.  This person didn't email me, didn't call me, didn't text me, didn't facebook me.  Wait.  She did facebook, it was "Wow.  Just, wow".  That was her status.  I saw THAT before I saw the thread.  9 posts in, she chimes in with "I wonder how much store credit she got.  If they gave her full price, she made out like a bandit".  That was it.  12 posts in, she posts again, saying how she's the original owner of the pants, and had she known she could just send them back, she would have vs. selling them (in a very sarcastic way).      15 posts in, she posts again and says how it seems sneaky, and AGAIN goes in a huge circle wondering how much store credit I got.  It's the 19th post in where she delivers the fatal blow, saying, and I quote, "Or, did she say they were a gift and they give her full retail price for both of them?

Again, like I said, just seems sneaky...I think I am still in shock..."

Ok.  Here's where MY problem comes in.  And where ex friend sees NOTHING wrong with what she did, that it's perfectly ok and normal for a friend to join in on a virtual dead horse beating, repeatedly.  Had she said NOTHING on the thread at all, I pretty much guarantee it would have died.  A few people going "Huh? Wow, company is awesome and you're weird for even THINKING to do that".  I would have calmly provided a few more details, and it would have died and gone away.  

I don't say the words "I love you" very often.  I MEAN it when I say them, and they're reserved for my immediate family and a FEW, VERY FEW close friends.  Ex friend was one I'd said those words to, meaning I thought of her as highly as I do my family.  I would expect a family member that I love NOT to berate me in public, I would expect them to speak privately with me if an issue arose.  I'm not saying close friends shouldn't argue; arguments happen.  Like I said, none of us are perfect.  I don't blame her for the negative response I got on my thread, I did that all on my own.  I blame her for casting doubt upon my character and for calling me sneaky.  All of these things were said on the thread before I even SAW it!  I had NO idea such a negative pile up was occuring, with HER instigating the "amoral character" theme than began to run rampant.

I went STRAIGHT to email, and blasted one off asking her where she got off publicly berating me on an online bulletin board? How did she think that was ok?  I was angry, I was emotional, I was confused.  It's ok for her to be upset with me even though I don't see how, but it's NOT ok for her to continue to pick and post and bump up the thread to the point that it had nearly 3000 views.  SHE was mad at me for "blaming her for the whole thing when it was my own stupid fault", and went back to the thread and posted an additional THIRTEEN TIMES on the thread, continuously bumping it back up, fanning the flames, adding fuel to the fire, playing the victim, bringing my BOSS into it, saying how much she respected my company and hoped that my actions didn't reflect negatively on my place on my place of employment.

THAT is what set me off, THAT is what caused me to unfriend her on facebook, THAT is what caused me to stick the knife in our friendship, it was DONE.  I place NO blame on her for the beginning of the negative tone of the thread, but I DO blame her for inciting people to the point that long time posters were recommending that my boss sever ties with me, and that my unethical behavior reflected poorly on my company.  I posted 5 times in defense of myself, and then I quit.  It was pointless.  People on online bulletin boards DON'T read for comprehension.  I made an error of judgement and went in and edited my 5 posts, deleting them.  I was shocked, felt attacked, and the tone was too defensive.  I was NOT posting on the thread, hoping it would DIE.  I contacted a moderator on the board when the thread was only 2 pages long with less than 100 views, asking them to lock it because I was worried my boss WOULD be brought into it. I changed the title of the thread, hoping it would be harder to find and just go away, but ex friend kept posting and posting and posting on it, pointing fingers at me and how I'd lost her respect and friendship.  At a loss, I posted up an apology, HOPING to end things.  THEN the moderator finally locked it, 5 pages and 3000 views later.  People on the thread were supporting her, telling her how lucky she was she'd found out what a bad friend I was and she agreed with them.

We exchanged a few nasty emails, and it is finished.  Done.  Now, here's where I'm tying all this bull pucky back to my original post.  I tend to immediately think I'm not the one to blame.  But, then I think it through, and very grudgingly admit that ok, maybe I WAS wrong at the end of the day.  Well, I've thought this through.  TRUST ME, I've thought about little else since it went down.  In the nasty emails, I didn't call my ex friend names.  I was passionate about the fact that I blamed her for the thread reaching the point it did, but that I didn't blame her for the initial negative tone.  I blamed her for publicly flogging me rather than quietly sitting by and letting a contentious thread die out with no repercussions.  She called me stupid and low class.  She said I was insane to accept no blame for this situation, and that one day I would come around and see her side (but of course it would be too late).  I don't see how I was wrong at all.  I honestly don't.  In my mind, if you perceive a loved one "doing you wrong", you tell them!  In PRIVATE.  You DON'T become a vulture and pick/pick/pick until the person has no choice but to explode back at you!  But guess what, my explosion was done in PRIVATE.

What is the point of this drama?  There is no point.  I'm sad that I've lost a friend, a loved one.  I keep my horse blog to look back and see how much he's grown in his education.  I'm keeping THIS blog to track my OWN life, my OWN growth.  She said she hopes I have a nice life, and that some day I will realize it's all my fault and she did nothing wrong.  In her words, friends don't always have your back.  I'm hoping that maybe some day she reads this, and has her OWN sense of self discovery, and that maybe she will come to realize that she was indeed in the wrong here.  OR, people that actually KNOW me and CARE about me will read this and gently point out to me WHERE I was wrong, and how I brought this on myself.  I've been feeling the loss keenly up until she called me stupid and low class, and now I'm good with my decision to cut her out of my life.  

A loved one wouldn't do that.  I didn't say anything of the sort to her, I told her that by continuously posting and reviving the thread that she was being a "mean girl".  She said I was stupid and low class and have a nice life.  Well, I will, thank you very much.  It's painful experiences like this one that stretch your faith and shape your personality.  I give thanks to God for the trials in my life, they help me to fully appreciate when things are going well.  ALL things happen for a reason, and this part of my life is over, time to see what else is around the corner.  

Continued ...

Alrighty.  I want to make sure my thoughts stay organized and not scattered.  Here's ... the REST of the story ...

So, this ex friend posts on facebook that she's selling 2 pairs of riding pants that are a brand name of a big horse retail company.  I'd been wanting to try them, so since I thought the size might be right, I purchased them from her for her full asking price.  Now here's the beginning of her issue with me; I should have consulted with her before doing anything with these pants.  Huh?  Why is it I'm supposed to consult her on ANYTHING having to do with these pants?  They don't belong to her anymore!  Do we all agree here?  Ok, good, moving on.

I eagerly try them on and they're WAY too tight in the leg.  Best as I can tell, they fit my butt and waist, but the leg, both calf and thigh are WAY too tight.  I stuff them in a drawer for now because I've been in the process of losing weight and hoped they would fit at a later date.  2 months go by, I pull them out again, and STILL ... the legs just DON'T fit.  The waist is actually LOOSE, but the leg seams were screaming so I toss them back in the drawer feeling befuddled.  At this stage of the game, I do some research on these pants, and my issue is a common one.  In fact, people were riding in the pants, not liking them, and the company was actually taking them back and exchanging them.  It's a great company, they actually care about their customers.

Now, here's where I'm lacking in my moral fiber, I'm someone who tries to "beat the system", and I'm basically the biggest loser on the planet.  I had the gall to CALL the company.  I TOLD them the pants were gently used, I bought them off a friend, I really LIKED the pants and would like to try the next size up.  I told them I completely understood if they couldn't take them back, but I figured the worse they would say is "no".  Well, they said sure, send them back.  I was honest, upfront, and 100% forthcoming about how it came to be that I was in possession of these pants.  I was polite, professional, and seriously doubted they could do anything.  Well, I was shocked and happy when they said sure, send them back.  So I did, they sent me the next size up, and those were just crazy big.  Ridiculous looking.  I called the company ONE more time, told them the dilemma, the sales person said no problem that particular brand of breeches was a bit of a "hard fit" and maybe I needed to try another brand?  So I said could I try this other brand x? And they said sure, then sent them right out.  End of the story is I have a pair of pants that fit perfectly, and I'm crazy happy with the customer service of a "big" company that actually cares about the little people.  I will definitely make future purchases from this company, some of them $$ (we are talking horses here!).

Where I made my mistake, was what I did next.  I was tired of reading all the negative nellie threads on previously mentioned big horse board, so I posted the Cliff's Notes version of how this big horse company took care of me, and how happy I was, and kudos to them, they have yet another customer for life.

So, judge for yourselves!!!  Am I lacking in moral fiber?  Am I an opportunist?  Am I a bad friend for not telling my ex friend what I intended to do with MY pants?  She feels as though I took advantage of her.  How?  HOW did I take advantage of her?  Where in this story does ANYONE see me taking advantage of her?  I don't see it, I really don't.  Supposedly, I blindsided her by A. calling the company in the first place, and B. proceeding to brag about it on horse board.

Story to be continued, I'm sure your ADD has kicked in by now.  This is a LONG story:(

General, assorted stuff

I am human.  I have many issues that I struggle with, as do we all.  I think most often the most difficult person to be honest with is ourselves.  Humans have an amazing ability to twist things up in our minds to make it NOT our fault, in any situation.  As a teenager, I had that problem.  As a more mature adult, I STILL have that problem ... the difference is I now have the ability to analyze, mull it over, and then realize when I am in the wrong more often than not.

Friendships are hard.  My husband has had some struggles recently with losing a couple of friends.  What it came down down is the perception of one person giving, the other being selfish, and a complete lack of TRY to fix a problem.  I know what one of my biggest issues is, and it's a constant work in progress ... a lack of communication.  I have always been content to be alone, so be with my own thoughts and feelings, and I reason things out in my head.  Speaking things out loud is hard for me sometimes, and I'm not good about being that friend that initiates phone calls or get togethers.  I DO like to think I'm there for my friends, though.  Someone to listen, offer up any advice, and give of my time whenever I CAN.

I just lost someone close to me, a 4 year friendship.  I have gone over and over again in my mind, losing sleep in the process, and I can NOT find any fault with myself.  We have had our minor spats over the years because in some ways we're so alike we clash, but it's always worked itself out.  I even called my pastor, sobbing yesterday to ask WHAT is it I'm not seeing?  HOW was I wrong?  Am I a bad person?  Do I have rotten Moral Fiber?  Am I being blind to the situation?  He said absolutely NOT, that if I was being 100% honest with him, I did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.  Now, pastors are people too, but I'm inclined to believe him vs. random strangers on the internet.

Which leads me to a general overview of what went down.  Obviously, I maintain an online presence.  I enjoy keeping blogs, I enjoy discussing topics of conversation with people across the country, or even across the globe.  I try not to ever be incendiary, or make myself look stupid ... think before you press "enter" and all that.  I have written QUITE a few blog posts and facebook statuses that I deleted after getting it all out there and re-reading.  One of my favorite sites in a big online horse related bulletin board where horse people post topics of conversation.  I have seen many a crap storm erupt on the board about things that I thought were silly, but usually end up resolved in some way.  I have personally never been involved in such crap storms in any other way than "observer".  I tend to stay out of pile ups unless I'm jumping into the fray to speak up in defense of a poster, which I have done before.  I've done it for someone I didn't know at all, and I've done it for my boss, of all people.  The pile ups can be scary ... it's classic "pack" mentality, where one person makes a negative comment and ALL the "negative nellies" chime in with their words like hot pokers.  It sometimes becomes LITERALLY "kicking the dead horse".

At the moment, I'm leaving you all with this piece of the story to ponder and mull over.  I have to go to work right now, but I will finish this later.  I welcome any honest, thought out comments on what I have posted so far.  I like non heated discussion, it can be a productive thing.  Devil's advocate, and all that.

Slowly getting back on track

My awesome LBD I found at Goodwill!

I've slowly been getting over the crud, thought I'm still not quite 100%.  I ran 3 days this week.  30 minutes around the neighborhood ( not including a 5 min warm up and a 5 min cool down, so really it's 40 minutes worth of exercise).  I steadily get better and better each time I do it!  Today was my 3rd run, and I did my 4 mile trek to the swamp.  I ran 10, walked 2 and completed 4 miles in 46 minutes and change.  Wow!  The track to the swamp is along the back roads and is mostly flat.  It took me 48 minutes and change to run my 5k, so I'm pleased with the improvement!  I keep feeling all paranoid that I'm going to gain weight, but my size 10 jeans are still fitting perfectly and my 14's fall off.  I've never lost any significant amount of weight before, so I'm just unsure how hard it's going to be to maintain.  The only bummer thing about this running thing is my left heel is KILLING me again.  I had NO problems doing Insanity, despite the high impact of it.  My right leg/heel is perfect, but my left heel/calf is super sore.  This was week 2 of doing not much, next week will be two more until I ramp up the Insanity one more time.

STILL sick:(

A rare GA snowfall!  From 2010

As of today, I STILL have a thick, persistent drainage in the back of my throat.  I feel like coughing up a lung, I keep clearing my throat, but at LEAST I don't have feverish body aches or anything (knock on wood).  Again, I feel like this week has been a loss, exercise wise.  Monday I did "cardio recovery", and was sore on Tuesday:)  I was happy for that.  Tuesday-today (Sunday) I've tried to rest and take it easy to hopefully RECOVER from this CRUD.  Today I feel ok, other than the thick drainage, so I decided to head out on a run this evening.  I set my alarm for 30 minutes, and began hitting it at a pretty decent clip (for me, anyway!).  I did roughly half a mile more than my last run about 10 days ago:)  My endurance was perfect, what was hindering me was my knees and a small stitch in my side.  So, I'm up to about 2 1/2 miles in 30 minutes, which I'm proud of!  If I keep at it, I'm sure I can get 3 miles in that time!

I am standing at quite a crossroads right now.  I TRY so HARD to just love my life.  I don't suffer boughts of depression, I never feel sorry for myself, and I work hard to find the positive in every situation.  But ... I'm tired.   I'm ready to actually have time (well, MONEY) to SHOW my OWN horse.  I'm actively trying to make some changes, but of course change is hard.

I'm happy to report I haven't gained any weight in the last 2 weeks with my sad lack of exercise.  I've tried to eat well, and "clean".  I honestly don't have a desire to actually LOSE any more weight.  I'm down in an 8 in a dress size, a 10 in jeans, and I'm VERY happy with how I look in the mirror.  A little more toning is fine with me, but I'm super happy with my body for the first time in forever!  Tomorrow starts a new week, so hopefully this persistent crud will go away and I can get in my 3x a week runs and my 2x a week Insanity.  Not gonna lie, it's nice to know I have 2 whole days off from working out vs. just 1:)  I'm actually pretty lazy by nature!

If y'all can find it in your hearts, prayers for me and family would be much appreciated.  I don't post all over facebook with vague prayer requests because I think it's mostly just a cry out for attention.  I'm actually a pretty private person (believe it or not, lol!), and my relationship with God is hard for me to put into words.  I DO know that He is always in control, and things always happen exactly the way they're supposed to, so prayers for the ability to make good decisions is in order, I guess.  Thanks for reading, and thanks for the support!!!

A bit of a loss ...

Blech.  I feel like this week has been pretty much a total loss:(  I have been sick all week, STILL have sinus drainage making me crazy.  I've had a pretty bad cough, and I pushed through Monday and Tuesday to do my "max" workouts, but Wednesday I just had to take the day off.  I felt TERRIBLE.  Yesterday and today I did 'cardio abs'.  I subscribed to the theory of it's better to do SOMETHING than nothing.  It's only a 16 minute workout, and with the exception of the 4 minute warmup, it's not terribly cardio intensive.  It's counter productive to do an hour long cardio workout when you're hacking up a lung.  Oh well.  At least I reached a goal, despite my "slacking" ... a little black dress in that elusive size 8!  Single digits!!!  Holy moly!!!  I've always fit in smaller sizes "up top" vs. shoving my shapely hips and thighs into smaller pant sizes, and the dress looks simply smashing on me, I must say!:)  I bought it for my friend's wedding on Sunday, can't wait to dress up.

Not planning to do any workouts this weekend because I still need to get well, and I've got a horseshow all day tomorrow, and my friend's wedding 2 hours away on Sunday.  Monday I start my "modified" schedule for 4 weeks ... hopefully I've gotten over this creeping crud by then!  I HATE being sick.

Creeping Crud:(

 

The creeping crud is trying to take over my life, ugh!  I HATE getting sick:(  Been eating grapefruits like crazy and drinking Airborne twice a day.  Hopefully I fend it off for as long as possible.

Got my pics for this month!  Great change:)  I didn't expect such a change on the 30 day pics, but I feel GREAT.  The "max" week is definitely a nice shaping workout.

This is my last week of Insanity.  I plan to take 4 weeks "off", and go back to running 3 days a week.  On the 2 'off' days, I will alternate Insane Abs and one of the 'recovery' workouts.  I will need to go back to entering my calories in SparkPeople so I don't gain any weight over the next month, but I think it will be fine:)  I just want to make sure I don't blow it and balloon back up to my size 14.  The holidays are coming up over the next 2 months, obviously, so I just need to make sure I make smart choices and watch my portion sizes! Without further ado, here's the month's pics!