Just a June update ...

Well.  The month of June is almost over!  Can't even believe it.  We're coming up on ONE YEAR in CA.  We left GA on June 28th.  7 more days :)  Our plan thus far is to stay in our apartment for one more year, then move into a house.  My job is going GREAT.  I've gotten a very substantial raise since I began in October, and I'm getting a fair amount of daily overtime right now, so I'm just enjoying it and appreciating it.

David always has job drama.  His newer second job is going great.  I wish it paid more, b/c then he might consider making it his primary, but he's making less at that job than I started with at mine.  His Kings job is just such a freaking mess, I can NOT understand why he can't find a position with ONE company that has its head NOT stuck up its rear end.  My husband is AMAZING.  He's authoritative, he's got a great business sense, and he's a wonderful salesman.  It KILLS me that he can't find a freaking GOOD job; one w/ decent hours and one w/ decent pay.  So I pray for him, and I ask for friends and family to pray for him.  Yes, I still want to win the lottery, but I'm praying for his work situation to be GOOD for the first time in his life, with little to no drama.  We're both willing to WORK for a living, I'm just hoping God will bless us with a situation that's quite literally workable and livable.

Anyway, I'm doing my monthly soul-winning today.  I WAS going to go out door to door, but truly ... I feel like at the moment, I will reach more people by this blog than I will knocking on doors of people's homes that honestly don't want to be reached.  That's the beauty of a blog; you read it if you're interested, and it's on YOUR terms.

We've been doing a series on God's blessings on our life.  Many christians interpret God's blessings to be financial ones, when in actuality, that's pretty far from the truth.  There are countless stories in the bible about men that were blessed, yet suffered great trials.  For instance; the story of Joseph.  He was sold into slavery by his own BROTHERS, thrown in a pit, and was in bondage.  But the bible says he was surely blessed.  He had God all throughout his ordeal, and at the end of it all, ended up the right hand of Pharaoh and turned out to be a great leader.  But he lost everything.  Job lost his entire LIFE, his family, his things, everything on earth that defined him; through it all, he never lost his faith in God, and eventurally emerged with a new family, restored wealth, and lots of happiness.  The key of that story is FAITHFULNESS.  I have a few good quotes here that I'm going to throw out.
"God's blessing can NOT be measured by our PLEASURE".
"The Bible strengthens us from within.  When you get connected to God, you are not beaten down by outside forces".
"God has invested in us, and he expects a return on that investment".
"Integrity is doing right by CONVICTION, not CIRCUMSTANCE".
And the final one:
"FAITH has everything to do with what you BELIEVE.  FAITHFULNESS has everything to do with what you DO".

At the end of the day, you KNOW what you're supposed to do.  Read your bible, obey your bible, walk with integrity, work hard in your life, and tithe.  Doing these 5 things will make sure you are blessed by God; maybe that doesn't mean great financial riches, but it DOES mean always having food on your table and a roof over your head.  It means having a job to go to every day. It may mean good health, or a wonderful, loving family.  Blessings are also a MINDSET, we have to be appreciative for what we have.  When we do the above 5 things, God will help us to HAVE that proper mindset so that we can see and enjoy the blessed life we lead.

Epic Awesomeness

I want to talk about this whole moving thing for a moment.  I'm not going to lie.  Since around ... Halloween of last year maybe, I've been in a weird place emotionally.  I don't know why.  Hormones?  Dissatisfaction with my life?  Depression?  I don't know.  I have NEVER been unhappy in my marriage.  Unhappy with finances, yes.  It's hard to make a living as an independent contractor when you don't work 24/7 at your business.  I have no desire to live, eat, breath, and make my job my entire life.  When I come home to my family ... I want to come home to my family!  So in the last few years, business has really dropped off and it's been impossible to pay my bills on time.  I HATE that.  It's stressful, and has probably built up and built up to the point that I snapped, I guess you could say.  My weird emotional place was not helped by a huge blow out with someone that was one of my best friends, and I just started to feel sorry for myself, feeling in general unloved, unappreciated, and just burnt out.  Even with my own PARENTS ... we had a huge fight at Thanksgiving, what the HECK was going on?

The hubs and I went on our west coast trip last Spring Break, and it was the Best Time Ever.  We enjoyed it more than anything we've done!  It was so wonderful.  Around January, after all the fights with friends and family ... and the struggling to make ends meet ... we began to talk about actually moving to the West Coast. I've tried multiple times over the past few years to pick up a part time job in addition to my teaching to try and supplement our income, but it was impossible with my schedule.  And just to QUIT, to walk away from Joyce, and my teaching job I've had for 10 years with all my amazing clients ... seemed wrong.  And in a weird way, I began to feel "trapped" in my life.  On one hand, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my life.  Great hours, great kids, doing what I love.  But on the other hand, there was stress and uncertainty not only with money concerns, but with keeping my job in general!  People have NO idea the roller coaster I've ridden over the time I've done what I do, and I'm just ready to get off, really.  So, I am!  Go big or go home, that's always been my motto.  If I'm going to take the step to walk away from a life I've built for myself, a business that even though was dwindling, was filled with LOYAL and long time clients, and my first home that I've even owned ... I am going to do it in a BIG way.  My husband and I are so excited to turn this page, and to basically start over in a completely new place, on the other side of the country.  Is it crazy?  YES!  But everything is falling into place.  God works in such mysterious ways, and he put this seed in our minds to plant, and water, and now to watch it grow.  I need to be a CA resident for a year before I'm considered a resident, so I plan to enroll in UC Davis next year and go to nursing school.  I'm planning to work as a pharmacy tech starting out, that's one of the jobs I've tried to get over the years, but it's never worked out.  I do NOT plan to teach right now.  MAYBE the opportunity will arise again to get back into it; but STRICTLY on a part time basis.  An extra money type of thing, if you will.  I refuse to count on contracting out in any way to pay my bills ever again.  "Real", steady, and non 1099 jobs pay the bills better.  They may pay a little bit less initially, but the steady never changing income and the tax refund makes it all worth it!

So, there it is.  The "WHY?".  Lots of people have asked, genuinely trying to understand.  It's so hard to explain, I hope I've done an ok job of it.  At the end of the day, this is absolutely a walk of faith.  I am trusting in God to guide this path we're taking, and I believe this will further strengthen my marriage and relieve some of the stress because I believe with ALL my heart and soul our job situation is going to be amazing.  What they will end up being in the long run, I don't know, but I believe our life is going to improve beyond even OUR wildest dreams!

Semi-serious stuff ...

All I see is perfection.

So, my son broke my hear a little bit this week.  He just turned 11, and is in that awkward phase where he's growing *out, but not so much *up.  I do NOT let him go crazy on junk food, but the kid also doesn't help me out by eating healthy, either.  My husband is a big soda guy, and I'm talking full sugar soda, nothing diet.  There also has to be a gallon of sweet tea in the fridge at all times, or I have to listen to a whole lot of {whining} about how there's nothing to drink in the house (tongue in cheek here;)).  Even though *I* have made a lifestyle change, my husband and son have not.  They haven't had a desire to, and I will not force anything on them.

So, my son said to me today that he wants to start Couch to 5K.  He's not a terribly athletic boy, even though in his mind, he's a parcour expert.  Yes, an expert.  Never mind he can't do any gymnastics.  Whatever, I don't care.  I was not a thin child growing up, and my mother ALWAYS supported me when I expressed a desire to thin down, and NEVER bugged me about my eating habits.  About the only thing she ragged me on was my desire to drink full sugar sodas ... hmmm ...

Anyway, the boy said some kids had made fun of him in school about his "big, fat belly" and he wanted to lose it, so Cto5K is what he wants to do.  I told him I'd take him to the park today and do it with him.  He sweated, he groaned about it, he complained about his aching back, but he did it.  I've talked to him and the husband about the soda intake, and I think maybe we've decided to scrap it out of the fridge for awhile.  The tea will stay, and 100% juice stuff will stay, but sodas are OUT.  I'm trying to teach Kody about proper serving sizes, showed him how to work the food scale, and explained he's not going to lose his "root beer belly" in a day.  Sigh.  Kids can be so mean.  He's NOT a fat kid, by any means.  Is he thin and athletic?  No.  Is he 200 lbs and obese?  No.  He's smart, sensitive, and FULL of presence.  I think the other kids sense that he's something special, and seek to SQUASH that.  He says every day how much he wishes he could be home schooled.  I wish I could.  I think the kids here in Cartersville and so mean.  He got called gay, and a fag last year.  In FOURTH GRADE.  Really?  My son barely grasps what gay IS, but he DOES grasp when kids call him fat, and now he's feeling bad about himself.

Wish us luck.  I'm going to help him reach his goals.  I think my husband is also coming around to a healthier lifestyle, so maybe I can begin to eliminate some of the junk that puts "bellie's" on us in the first place.  I know getting teased is part of growing up; I was certainly called a fat cow more than once, but it breaks my heart that my son's going through this already.  If I could home school him, I absolutely would.  I just wish kids were nicer ... mean streaks suck:(

Finding my "happy place"

I have a LOT to be thankful.  I'm down 45 (YAY!) pounds now, I have a wonderful and supportive husband, and I have the best 10 year old in the world!  After 29 years of horseless-ness, I finally have my own horse.  I have a roof over my head, gas in my vehicles, and a warm comfortable bed to sleep in at night.  I haven't done any "resolution" type posts because I just think that's a little silly.  I do vow to live my life differently this year, though.  It's been roughly 13 years of The Same Old, Same Old.  It's certainly not a marriage rut, it's a 'real life' rut I think.

I am REALLY evaluating my life and my goals.  I don't feel that I have any kind of a career; in fact, in almost 10 years I feel as though I've slid backwards and not moved forward AT ALL with my position.  That's a little bit depressing.  I lost a really good and long friendship; she said some things to me that have fundamentally wounded me to the very depths of my soul.  As for the rest of my friendships, I don't feel like I have any.  How is it I'm a month away from being 34 years old, and I don't have one single person in my life I can truly call an honest to goodness BEST FRIEND (outside of my husband)?  I have some friendships on the table, but not a single female I can call a best friend.  I always had one as a kid.  I'm still friends with her now, but we've grown apart as people tend to do.  I guess it's this paragraph that has had me feeling a little bit debbie downer.  But ... as of NOW, I release this shi+!  Because that's all it is; shi+.

I am going to learn how to PRAY, for REAL.  I am going to embrace my husband for what he is; my other half.  My confidant, my buddy, my cheerleader, and my BEST FRIEND.  We are going on an adventure this year ... an incredible, life changing, mind blowing adventure.  It is literally going to change the course of our lives; I can't WAIT!  It's time to become the person I've always meant to be; the person I know I'm capable of being.  I've started the process by ACTUALLY losing the weight I needed to instead of sitting around WISHING I could lose the weight.  This is literally the smallest I've been since I was 17.  Yay me!

Y'all just watch ... this is going to be a really exciting year:)

Continued ...

Alrighty.  I want to make sure my thoughts stay organized and not scattered.  Here's ... the REST of the story ...

So, this ex friend posts on facebook that she's selling 2 pairs of riding pants that are a brand name of a big horse retail company.  I'd been wanting to try them, so since I thought the size might be right, I purchased them from her for her full asking price.  Now here's the beginning of her issue with me; I should have consulted with her before doing anything with these pants.  Huh?  Why is it I'm supposed to consult her on ANYTHING having to do with these pants?  They don't belong to her anymore!  Do we all agree here?  Ok, good, moving on.

I eagerly try them on and they're WAY too tight in the leg.  Best as I can tell, they fit my butt and waist, but the leg, both calf and thigh are WAY too tight.  I stuff them in a drawer for now because I've been in the process of losing weight and hoped they would fit at a later date.  2 months go by, I pull them out again, and STILL ... the legs just DON'T fit.  The waist is actually LOOSE, but the leg seams were screaming so I toss them back in the drawer feeling befuddled.  At this stage of the game, I do some research on these pants, and my issue is a common one.  In fact, people were riding in the pants, not liking them, and the company was actually taking them back and exchanging them.  It's a great company, they actually care about their customers.

Now, here's where I'm lacking in my moral fiber, I'm someone who tries to "beat the system", and I'm basically the biggest loser on the planet.  I had the gall to CALL the company.  I TOLD them the pants were gently used, I bought them off a friend, I really LIKED the pants and would like to try the next size up.  I told them I completely understood if they couldn't take them back, but I figured the worse they would say is "no".  Well, they said sure, send them back.  I was honest, upfront, and 100% forthcoming about how it came to be that I was in possession of these pants.  I was polite, professional, and seriously doubted they could do anything.  Well, I was shocked and happy when they said sure, send them back.  So I did, they sent me the next size up, and those were just crazy big.  Ridiculous looking.  I called the company ONE more time, told them the dilemma, the sales person said no problem that particular brand of breeches was a bit of a "hard fit" and maybe I needed to try another brand?  So I said could I try this other brand x? And they said sure, then sent them right out.  End of the story is I have a pair of pants that fit perfectly, and I'm crazy happy with the customer service of a "big" company that actually cares about the little people.  I will definitely make future purchases from this company, some of them $$ (we are talking horses here!).

Where I made my mistake, was what I did next.  I was tired of reading all the negative nellie threads on previously mentioned big horse board, so I posted the Cliff's Notes version of how this big horse company took care of me, and how happy I was, and kudos to them, they have yet another customer for life.

So, judge for yourselves!!!  Am I lacking in moral fiber?  Am I an opportunist?  Am I a bad friend for not telling my ex friend what I intended to do with MY pants?  She feels as though I took advantage of her.  How?  HOW did I take advantage of her?  Where in this story does ANYONE see me taking advantage of her?  I don't see it, I really don't.  Supposedly, I blindsided her by A. calling the company in the first place, and B. proceeding to brag about it on horse board.

Story to be continued, I'm sure your ADD has kicked in by now.  This is a LONG story:(

General, assorted stuff

I am human.  I have many issues that I struggle with, as do we all.  I think most often the most difficult person to be honest with is ourselves.  Humans have an amazing ability to twist things up in our minds to make it NOT our fault, in any situation.  As a teenager, I had that problem.  As a more mature adult, I STILL have that problem ... the difference is I now have the ability to analyze, mull it over, and then realize when I am in the wrong more often than not.

Friendships are hard.  My husband has had some struggles recently with losing a couple of friends.  What it came down down is the perception of one person giving, the other being selfish, and a complete lack of TRY to fix a problem.  I know what one of my biggest issues is, and it's a constant work in progress ... a lack of communication.  I have always been content to be alone, so be with my own thoughts and feelings, and I reason things out in my head.  Speaking things out loud is hard for me sometimes, and I'm not good about being that friend that initiates phone calls or get togethers.  I DO like to think I'm there for my friends, though.  Someone to listen, offer up any advice, and give of my time whenever I CAN.

I just lost someone close to me, a 4 year friendship.  I have gone over and over again in my mind, losing sleep in the process, and I can NOT find any fault with myself.  We have had our minor spats over the years because in some ways we're so alike we clash, but it's always worked itself out.  I even called my pastor, sobbing yesterday to ask WHAT is it I'm not seeing?  HOW was I wrong?  Am I a bad person?  Do I have rotten Moral Fiber?  Am I being blind to the situation?  He said absolutely NOT, that if I was being 100% honest with him, I did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.  Now, pastors are people too, but I'm inclined to believe him vs. random strangers on the internet.

Which leads me to a general overview of what went down.  Obviously, I maintain an online presence.  I enjoy keeping blogs, I enjoy discussing topics of conversation with people across the country, or even across the globe.  I try not to ever be incendiary, or make myself look stupid ... think before you press "enter" and all that.  I have written QUITE a few blog posts and facebook statuses that I deleted after getting it all out there and re-reading.  One of my favorite sites in a big online horse related bulletin board where horse people post topics of conversation.  I have seen many a crap storm erupt on the board about things that I thought were silly, but usually end up resolved in some way.  I have personally never been involved in such crap storms in any other way than "observer".  I tend to stay out of pile ups unless I'm jumping into the fray to speak up in defense of a poster, which I have done before.  I've done it for someone I didn't know at all, and I've done it for my boss, of all people.  The pile ups can be scary ... it's classic "pack" mentality, where one person makes a negative comment and ALL the "negative nellies" chime in with their words like hot pokers.  It sometimes becomes LITERALLY "kicking the dead horse".

At the moment, I'm leaving you all with this piece of the story to ponder and mull over.  I have to go to work right now, but I will finish this later.  I welcome any honest, thought out comments on what I have posted so far.  I like non heated discussion, it can be a productive thing.  Devil's advocate, and all that.