Silence does NOT equal failure

So, I haven't had too much to say this week.  Don't think that means I'm hiding and not doing well, though.  Quite the contrary; despite waking at 4:15 every morning and working 3 jobs, I have consumed copious amounts of water and managed to do my Couch to 5K workout 3 days this week.  My total calorie count has been averaging around 1500 calories, which is a HUGE change for me.  That's roughly 1000 calories less than what I USED to consume on a daily basis.  All this AND on my period ... TMI, I know lol!:)  I'm actually looking forward to the picture day next week because I KNOW they will show a positive change.  I wish that change were a little more dramatic than what it is, but let's face it.  I am NOT on Extreme Makeover:  Weight loss Edition.  I have not had a diet custom made for me by a registered dietician, and I don't hit the gym 5 days a week to spend hour long sessions with my personal trainer.  I'm just a regular carb addict, trying to detox from all the refined sugar I used to eat, and add in as much activity as I can in between all the work I do every day.

I'd like to go in a little different direction today.  This blog is supposed to document my spiritual journey as well as my physical one.  I grew up in the Baptist Church, but did I learn anything?  Not really.  For me, it was social time and whenever I wasn't singing in the choir I had a book hidden behind my bible and read.  In general, I like to think I'm one of those "good people".  I try to be generous with my time and my advice regarding horses, I volunteer every once in a while, and I try to be nice to people in general.  I hardly ever drink alcohol, I've never smoked anything in my life, and I have an active desire to avoid prescription painkillers at all costs!!!  Sometimes, however, I feel very hollow and "fake".  Like I do the right thing but for the wrong reasons.

My husband grew up in the Pentecostal Church, and unlike me he learned a LOT in church and has very concrete opinions as to what's "right" and what's "wrong" with the various other churches we've attended in the past.  Nothing has really clicked with either of us and for the 13 years we've been married we have never attended any church regularly.  All that changed when he met Craig, a friend of a friend.  David and Craig hit if off like an old married couple, and thus began our Sunday commitment of church.  Just recently, Craig decided to become the associate Pastor for his mentor and left the church he started that we had been attending regularly for the past year.  We followed him over, and now are members of Oasis Family Life Church.

The biggest difference between Oasis and every other church we've ever attended is that the congregation as well as the pastor is black.  Worship service is very enthusiastic and high energy, and the pastor is AMAZING.  Young, dynamic, and as far as my husband is concerned, very right on the things he says.  This past Sunday was a good message; it was about success.  Here's a few notes I took:
~You become what you're connected to
~Don't focus on your fears, focus on your hopes and dreams
~If you push long and hard enough life has a way of giving in
~A failure establishes one thing and that is this:  our determination to succeed wasn't strong enough AT THAT TIME
~God has pre-wired us to have a desire
~He has also made a way for each person to HAVE that desire; that way is through faith.
~Mis-handled success can hinder your future

Very interesting stuff.  Made a LOT of sense.  I certainly have a desire; horses.  I have gone through a LOT to be able to work and make my life all about them.  I'm still struggling to succeed and for my life to get a little bit easier; I have faith it will happen at some point.  Just helps me to know I'm on the right track, and to believe in myself and not give up; maybe it's cliche but it's the truth!

Riding one of my lesson horses at work

Almost time for picture day!

I'm actually looking forward to the picture posting because I can finally see and feel my weight loss:)  Well, inches loss, don't know how much WEIGHT I've actually lost.  I am totally going to do it this time and lose down into the single digits!  Once again, I had to go to the grocery store after working all day, and I didn't even feel myself be tempted to buy anything "crappy".

It's become a bit of a game to me ... how much can I eat for the LEAST amount of calories?  I've gotten into the habit of checking EVERY label on foods I buy and it's been quite enlightening.  Still drinking nothing but water and a little bit of sparkling water ... had a sip of a diet Mt. Dew the other day and it tasted super sweet to my toned down taste buds.  Went to dinner with a friend last night and had water with my meal,and I didn't even feel cheated in the least.  Had a salad with balsamic vinigarette dressing, and it was virtually the first time I've had a restaurant salad without ranch dressing.  It was super good!  I haven't been eating ANY chips or crackers, and any sort of a sandwhich has been "open face".  Fixing turkey burgers for dinner tonight and plan to eat mine sans bun all the way around.  The heck with chips/fries with my burger, I'm having peas and carrots with it!

Just acquired the "Insanity" workout DVD's, so going to give that a whirl maybe tomorrow.  Little nervous to try it because it looks like a real butt kicker, but that's what I need!

Feeling good, happy with my progress, going to church tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks; hope the message is something I really need to hear.  I'm sure it will be.

Driving from Reno, NV to Park City, UT!

almost end of summer ...

Well, now that I've pretty much purged myself of cravings, it's getting easy to eat healthy.  It's 7:00 in the evening, and I've consumed less than 1000 calories today.  I've drunk around 40 oz of water which has kept that hungry feeling at bay.  I got really hot at work today and actually felt very sick to my stomach, so I just haven't had an appetite.

Had O'Charley's for dinner last night, and went online to check all the calorie counts on the various dinners.  I chose one with the smallest calorie count (sirloin and scampi) and paired it with a salad (ranch dressing that I just dipped my fork in; consumed like 1/4 tsp of it), ONE roll, and the broccoli rice casserole.  I was FULL afterwards, and it was really good. Glass of water to go with it.  Normally, I would have my salad with the same fork dip in the ranch, but I would ALSO dip my roll in it.  Then I would have a 2nd roll.  I like to get the sirloin and chicken tenders with a loaded baked potato and a big, tall glass of sweet tea.  I haven't worked up yet to only eating half my restaurant portion, but according to the online calories, my dinner was only around 900 calories, and I'd only been at around 500 calories leading up to it.

Bottom line, I feel pretty good about things.  I need to go out in about an hour to run ... I haven't yet this week, so I will have to do 3 consecutive days to get them in.  I've been to the chiropractor twice in the last week, and I FINALLY feel great in my back.  I truly feel sorry for people that are afraid to go out and find themselves a good chiro, because it feels SO amazing to not have to live with back or neck pain.  I always realize just HOW bad I was hurting after I've been, because I sleep and sit and walk/run pain free.  My 10 year old son is ready to start going, so hopefully sometime in the next month I can start to get him up and going as well.

Yay for accountability!

Changing my way of thinking

I've been working on changing my whole way of thinking.  Today I had to stop by the grocery store after work.  Usually that would result in a buggy with chips, cookies, crackers, brownie mix, icecream, and maybe even a pecan pie.  Today I hurried through the aisles and managed to get a few things for dinner and sodas for the hubs (I've managed to stay off his full sugar sodas and make do with my diet Mt. Dew.  I haven't bought any DMD's though, in about 2 weeks now).  I bought myself some pre sliced watermelon, canteloupe, and pineapple to cut up myself for a fruit salad.  I found myself spending a LOT of time at the granola bar aisle, looking for low sugar stuff.  After reading a LOT of labels, turns out Kashi really is the lowest sugar brand, even though it beats the Nature's Valley bars by 10 additional calories.  It was a whole 10 grams of sugar LESS though, so I went with the Kashi bars:)

A similar study was had by me over at the yogurt aisle.  I compared a TON of brands, from normal light to greek, and a simple light yogurt, vanilla flavored and made by Dannon came in the lowest in grams of sugar, at 11g per serving.  Most of the other kinds (even the PLAIN!) came in at 16-18 grams of sugar, WOW!  I then got OUT of there, no fake sugar/high carb anything which is a record for me!

It's only been a week.  No dramatic changes yet, I feel.  My clothes are definitely fitting me comfortably right now, no tight waistbands to be had.  Certainly nothing is loose, but nothing is tight, either!  I've completed week one of Couch to 5K, and will continue this week with week 2 (exactly the same as week 1).  Hoping to run in the rain again one night!  Trying to add in some strength training this week.  I did crunches ONE day, but was hoping to run 3 days, then do crunches/push ups/squats the other 3 days, with one day completely OFF.

Anyone recommend an online calorie counter other than Fitday?  I'm rather less than impressed with their food list. Didn't even have "farm fresh brown eggs" in the database!  Silly.  I'm feeling very GOOD and not really finding it too terribly difficult to make good choices.  Just trying to keep my end goal in mind!  It would be AMAZING to slip into a single digit size again ...

My adorable son playing "Winthrop" in the Music Man

Still hanging in there:)

My "real life" friend commented on one of my posts, and I just want to touch on the topic of motivation.

I struggle with maintaining my motivation.  I have a kid, a husband, and fairly decent self confidence, so when I'm "dieting" and become faced with a difficult decision; no dessert, or consume that handfull of m&m's?, I often justify my fail (choosing the m&m's) with, "Gee, you only live once!  Life is TOO short to deny yourself!  I've been a size 14 for the last 10+ years, who cares!"

Well, I care.  I've ALWAYS cared.  I just haven't cared enough to really and truly deny myself the things I WANT.  My husband loves and desires me, at the end of the day, how important are those cottage cheese thighs and fat rolls?  Not very.  But I HAVE always had this image in my head ... of a fit, healthy me with no extra, flabby skin.  Even when I was a size FOUR, and danced 5 days a week, rode 5 horses a day 5 days a week I never had a 6-pack, those sexy lower back dimples, or a nice chiseled physique.  And I DID work out, both with free weights, machines at the gym, and the normal athletic stuff associated with ballet dancing. I'm 33 years old.  It would be really amazing to accomplish that vision I've had since I was about 12 before I die.

My younger brother weighed well over 300 lbs in highschool.  He was a sedentary kid that liked to read, play video games, and eat food.  The day he went to Six Flags theme park and the harness of his favorite rollercoaster didn't close down over his girth, he changed his life.  It took him approx a year, but he has slimmed down to where a size 32 hangs pretty loosely off his frame (he's around 6' tall).  He went out and began to run.  RUN!  My 300 lb brother began to RUN.  And he never quit.  And nowadays he can literally eat anything he wants whenever we eat out, and his body just burns it up because he's kicked his metabolism up so high.  HE is my inspiration.  I know I can do it, because we are cut from the same cloth.

What I need now is the accountability.  That's why I began this blog (and maybe to help other people that feel a little lost or uninspired).  I have taken HUNDREDS of pictures of my horse, from the day I got him to now and I just marvel over how much his body has changed.  I've put so much time and effort into HIM, it's only fair I put a little bit of that into ME.  I am giddy with the prospect of inspecting those photos each month and see my body shrink.  When I go to fix my drink with my dinner, I go to the water (which I NEVER do). When I buy food, I compare calorie/fat counts and go with the lower one.  I'm paying attention to my serving sizes and eating at or less than the recommended serving.

My go to lunch has changed from a sandwhich (2 pieces of bread, slice of cheese, 3-4 slices of meat, mayo and mustard), well over one serving of potato chips, and 4-6 snack size pieces of candy (just whatever!  Reeces, Twix, Baby Ruth, etc.) and a diet Mountain Dew.  When I go to make dinner, I reach in the candy jar and toss a few little hand fulls of m&m's in my mouth.  On days I don't work (Uh, Sunday haha) I will sometimes not consume one drop of actual water.  Milk, coffee, diet soda, sweet tea.

Now?  A sandwhich (one slice of bread, slice of cheese, 2 slices of meat, spicy mustard), a Kashi granola bar (for the "crunch" satisfaction) and a carton of light yogurt.  I've been snacking on fresh fruit.  I'm consuming at LEAST 40 oz of water a day, INCLUDING Sunday.  On Sunday, I actually drank 64 oz, woo hoo!  It was super hard:)  I've cut out the diet soda and the sweet tea.  I'm living off one cup of coffee, about 8 oz of sparkling water, and regular water.  If I want dessert (which has only been 3 times since Sunday) I keep it to a half serving of m&m's or a fudgesicle.

I find that now (Thursday) my crazy sweet tooth is fading.  Was it dang hard to walk through Wal-Mart at 5:30 in the evening after literally working at 3 barns since 5:00 this morning and ignore all the glorious junk food?  Yes, it was.  I embraced that then let it go.  I was thinking of the picture posting in 2 weeks ... I'd like to see a difference:)

A fairly recent "skinny day"

One day to hump day!

I'm doing very well (ESPECIALLY for ME) on eating.  I am consuming a little less than 2k calories a day, and when I go to bed I feel like my stomach is fairly empty.  Tonight I will do my half hour of week 1, day 2 of  "Couch to 5K".  Unlike Sunday night, I will NOT double that and do 2 miles/40 minutes of run/walk.  That's precisely why people fail to stick with programs like what I'm doing because they over-do it and burn out.  Between working 3 jobs and doing normal housework type things, there's not much left in the tank for anything extra (and I work outside in the 100 heat!), so I need to be careful not to hurt myself or burnout.

I had a diet Pepsi on Sunday with my Taco Bell, but since then I haven't had anything other than water and 8 oz of sparkling water with my lunch.  Pretty much a record for me, sadly.  I can almost always justify a glass of sweet tea now and then!

I will NOT weigh myself; we'll just see if any progress has been made on the first Sunday of August:)  I ALWAYS go by the fit of my clothes as to "how I'm doing".

Day 1

Well, today is the second day of the rest of my life!  Sadly, I have been in a bit of a foul mood all day.  We have just recently changed churches, and today I really felt like I just don't like it:(  I was not in "the Spirit" at ALL.  The people there just feel SO fake, and the preacher's wife is a "cast member" of a new reality show called "Preacher's Wives".  They were filming today, and everything just felt off to me.  Even the pastor, which I actually happen to really like was preaching on the same thing as last week, and it just fell flat in my opinion.

Yesterday, I did GREAT food-wise.  I entered everything in Fitday.com, and I was WAY up on my number of negative calories.  I re-started (for the third time) "Couch to 5K", but I doubled the recommended amount and today I'm paying for it big time.  The program for week one advocates run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 for 20 minutes.  That puts me at exactly one mile, distance wise.  Soooo, I did run for 60, walk for 90 for TWO miles, which put me at 40 minutes.  I've been nursing a rolled/popped ankle.  I have no idea if it was an actual sprain or not, but it swelled up pretty big and has been puffy during the interim.  I did it the end of May.  Today that's aching as well as my back, ugh.  I have a sinking suspicion my back pain is disc related, but I just haven't had the $$ to go see my chiro.  After today, I WILL be making an appt because 800 mg of ibuprofen hasn't touched it.

I had Taco Bell for lunch and consumed more calories than yesterday, but  big milestone for me is I actually got a diet soda with it.  Also, NO fast food for me for a week.  I'm allowing myself one ff meal a week, but I really am trying to ditch ANY sugary drink; sodas, or my beloved sweet tea.  I have frozen grilled chicken breasts for dinner, and those are a mere 110 calories per breast.  I will do those, green beans, and some noodles, but I will go super light on the noodles.  I am working really HARD to consume 2 of these per day:

I managed 2 1/2 yesterday, but I also was working/running so it was easy.  Today, it's ALL in the AC, so it will be tougher, but I'm about half way through my first one.

OK.  Here is my vulnerability/accountability.  I have gotten on the "diet" bandwagon more times than I can count.  I have been stuck at a street size 14 now for 10 years.  As a teen, I was a comfortable ss 8.  I will be "happy" as a 10 moving forward.  Every time I go back to my old ways (drinking sweet tea every day, consuming full sugar sodas, fast food 4 times a week, big restaurant sized dinner once or twice a week), I always justify it as "Well, I'm married with a kid.  Hubs isn't exactly skinny either and he thinks I'm sexy AS IS".  I'm about to post some pics.  And the first Sat of every month, I will post these SAME pics.  Either they will show a positive change, or they will show nothing, but I'm hoping by putting them out there, I will WAKE UP and quit making excuses.  A facebook friend of mine said the following:  There's always going to be someone out there sleepier than you and busier than you working out.  Now STOP making excuses and go work out!

Not so slender belly

Side view could be worse; at least my boobs are bigger than my belly!

Nice fat roll from the back

I have posted hundreds of "conformation" pics of my horse tracking his progress.  I hope by posting my own "conformation" photos, I can track my OWN progress as well!

Kicking things off

This blog is going to be difficult for me.  I will try and make it not so much about ME, but that's exactly what it is ... me.  I've had a blog about my horse for 4 years now, and I've never chronicled MY progress, spiritually and physically.  I need accountability, and this is it.

My pastor has a favorite saying.
"TO DAY is the youngest you will be for the REST of your LIFE."  That resonated with me on a deep and personal level.  Mainly because I feel my life slipping away from me.  I am 33 with a husband of 13 years and a 10 year old son.  I've never lived on my OWN, and I don't regret that.  What I DO regret is not finishing college, and not having a job that supports my family in a manner in which I feel I DESERVE.  I feel like I am not at a healthy weight and can't seem to find the motivation to LOSE it.  TODAY is the youngest I will EVER be.  TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life.